Uncle Chrissy
by The Masked Penguin
Summary: When Chris's mother leaves him alone for a week with his three young cousins, chaos ensues...
1. Default Chapter

Uncle Chris  
  
"Chris? Stay back a sec, I need to talk to you about something," Mrs. Chambers called to her son one day before he was about to race off to join his friends at the river.  
"What, mom?" he demanded impatiently. It was summer, and all he wanted to do was meet up with his friends and swim around in the sun.  
"You know that your Aunt Marge and her three girls are visiting tomorrow, right?" Mrs. Chambers asked. Chris nodded. "Well, there's been a change of plans. Marge isn't coming."  
Chris nodded. "Good," he confided to her, "I wasn't too thrilled about the prospect of spending my whole summer with three little kids anyway."  
Mrs. Chambers furrowed her brow. "You misunderstand, Chris," she said slowly. "I didn't say that the girls weren't coming in. I merely said that Marge wasn't coming in."  
"Oh. Oops. I'm really looking forward to it," he said, reddening. Suddenly another thought occurred to him. "They're not coming in alone, are they?" he asked incredulously.  
"Yes. And as you know, they'll be the first members of the family to visit since your dad went away. I want you to make a good impression." Mr. Chambers had left his family the previous year for a woman in Des Moines. No one had missed him a bit. Mrs. Chambers had been worried at first that she wouldn't be able to support her family without him, but they had managed fine, now that there was no one spending all their money on beer.  
Ever since he'd left, the stigma that had been attached to Chris's immediate family was slowly getting erased in the eyes of the rest of the family. Chris's grandmother had actually called them several times. Aunt Marge's visit was the final step- no one from the family had visited the Chambers in years.  
"That's not all," Mrs. Chambers continued. "Thinking that Marge would be here, I made plans to take a vacation next week. And I'm sure as hell not giving it up. So since Eyeball's away at camp-"  
Chris snickered.  
"Oh, shut up, Chris. I'll send you to camp next year if you find it so funny." Chris stopped laughing immediately. "Anyway, since Eyeball's gone, you'll be in charge of the girls for the week I'm on vacation."  
Any traces of the smile that had stayed on Chris's face after he was told to stop laughing disappeared now. "What?! What the hell?" Chris demanded.  
"Don't say that."  
"Hell! Hell hell hell! That's what it's going to be, Mom! Me, watching three girls for a week- how can you not thing it's going to be a living hell?"  
"I don't care how hellish it is for you, Christopher Chambers," Mrs. Chambers snapped, "you're going to make it heaven on earth for these girls!"  
"Meh," Chris mumbled. "Mom, can I go now?"  
"Yes, go," Mrs. Chambers said distractedly. "I'm late for a massage at the Deer Lake Inn anyway. Have fun." She blew him a small kiss that she somehow managed to make appear spiteful and left, climbing into her car and pulling away from the house.  
His mother had changed a lot, Chris thought, since his father left. She'd become more independent and took a lot less crap from everyone. Chris liked it, most of the time, liked that his mother was finally beginning to get a life of her own.  
But sometimes it sucked ass.  
  
"Ha! You're going to be watching giiiiiirls," Teddy laughed, swinging from the branches of a tree.  
"Ha! You look like a fucking mooonkey!" Chris grumbled mean spiritedly. Teddy frowned.  
"You're just mad because if they're hot, you're not going to be able to date them!"  
"Teddy, they're three, eight, and ten."  
"I can live with that if they're hot."  
"Teddy!" Gordie and Chris reprimanded at the same time.  
"I'm assuming my duties will include making sure that the girls' stay in Castle Rock does not include lifelong psychological scarring," Chris said disdainfully, "so I think I might just steer clear of you the whole week, Ted."  
"You promise to let me know if they're hot?"  
Chris scoffed. "I promise to let you know if my toddler cousin or her sisters are hot."  
Teddy smiled contentedly.  
"How long are they staying?" Gordie asked, hardly looking up from his book.  
"A month," Chris grumbled. "And I have to be home alone with them for a week."  
"A whole week?!" Vern exclaimed, the cookie he had been slowly chewing falling out of his mouth.  
"A whole week," Chris repeated, sounding very dejected.  
"Hey, this might not be so bad," Teddy said, in that stand-back-and- hide-the-matches tone that only Teddy had.  
Chris looked up, scowling.  
"Oh really?"  
"Really," Teddy assured him. "Think about it, Chambers. If your mom's going to have you watch three girls all week, she's going to leave you money, right?"  
A slow grin spread across Chris's features.  
"No," Gordie said instantly, at the same time that Vern said "You can't spend that!"  
Teddy looked at Gordie and Vern each in turn. "Why the hell not?"  
"Because," Gordie said, as if explaining the painfully obvious to someone who's already been lectured a hundred times, "you can't steal from the children's fund!"  
"It's not stealing, and it's not a fund," Teddy argued.  
But even as he watched Teddy make the pitiful argument, Chris knew Gordie was right. There was no way he was going to steal money his mom left him for the girls. He sighed. It was going to be a long week.  
  
Chris woke up the next morning to a spotless room. He'd been up until one in the morning the previous night cleaning his room for the girls, because this morning, he and his mother were going to the train station to pick them up. His sleep the last night had been plagued with dreams of spoiled rotten children; he had never met any of Marge's children, and for all he knew, they could be the most terrible little brats ever.  
"Come on!" his mother screeched from downstairs. "We have to be there in half an hour!"  
Chris sighed, pulled a dirty shirt from his clothes basket over his head, yanked a semi-clean pair of jeans on, and ruffled his hair with his fingers, glancing in the mirror on the way out.  
His mother stood at the foot of the stairs wearing a white skirt and a light blue blouse. Her long blonde hair was pulled off her face and gathered at the top of her head.  
"You look nice, mom," he muttered absently, pulling one of his shoes toward him and beginning to tie it.  
"Thanks," she said. "Ready to go?"  
"Yeah," he answered, standing up. The two left the house and climbed into the truck.  
"What time are you leaving again?" Chris asked, looking at his watch.  
"I'm leaving at around quarter after five," she answered. "Christopher, please be good."  
"What?"  
"These kids are little. I want you to keep in mind that you have to put them first. Don't let your plans with your friends keep you from being a responsible young man."  
"I won't," Chris said confidently.  
She smiled. "I know. I just wanted to remind you. Promise me you'll be good? Even if the kids are terrors from hell?"  
"I promise."  
  
"They should be getting off any second now," his mother said anxiously, watching people pour off the train. "Oh, goodness, where are they?"  
Chris just stood there silently, half of him hoping that they wouldn't show up at all. He felt bad, but at the same time, he didn't know how to take care of little girls! What the hell were Aunt Marge and his mother thinking?  
Three little girls stepped off the train then, looking rather scared. They were the last ones off, accompanied by a train attendant. She pointed at Chris and his mother, and asked the oldest one something. She nodded, and the attendant smiled and left.  
The three girls went up to them. "Hi, Mrs. Chambers," the oldest one said.  
"Hello," his mother replied, sweeping the girls into hugs one by one. "You must be Charlotte," she said to the oldest one.  
Charlotte nodded. She looked a little older than she supposedly, about twelve. She had red hair, blue eyes, and freckles. One arm was wrapped protectively around the youngest girl's shoulders.  
"Hi," the youngest one chirped. "I'm Andy. Who are you?" She looked at Chris for a few seconds before she hugged his leg. In spite of himself, Chris smiled.  
"I'm Chris," he said, grinning down at her. "Andy, huh? That's an unusual name."  
"Her name's Andrea," the middle one said, "but we all call her Andy."  
"Well, Andy," Chris said, stooping down to look at his young cousin, "what do you like to do?"  
"Eat!" the little one shouted enthusiastically.  
He grinned. "We're going to get along great," he said, and she launched herself at him and hugged him tightly.  
"So if that's Charlotte, and that's Andrea," his mother said, looking at the middle one as if trying to remember something, "you must be. . . ?"  
"Vanessa," she provided.  
"Well, Vanessa, Andrea, and Charlotte, why don't we head home?"  
"Yay!" Andy shrieked, jumping up and down. "Home home home!"  
Mrs. Chambers looked down. "By home, honey, I meant my house."  
Andy's face fell.  
"We can eat there," Chris whispered. His mother shot him a dirty look, but Andy giggled and grinned cherubically.  
"Carry me," she said, holding her arms out to Chris.  
"Well. . . uh. . . I. . . "  
"Please?" She looked at him with doe eyes designed to get herself whatever she wanted. He made a mental note to learn to resist those as he picked her up and balanced her on a hip.  
Mrs. Chambers watched her son carrying Andy around the train station and smiled to herself. Her smile got wider as she watched him make sure all three girls were safe and comfortable in the backseat before he climbed up front.  
"Here we are," she announced, stopping the car in front of the modest, two-story white house. They'd done a lot of work to it since Mr. Chambers had left, and it now looked almost perfectly acceptable for a suburban home.  
"Where do you live?" Andy asked Chris as he lifted her out of the car.  
"I live here."  
"You don't live here! She lives here!"  
"Andy," Charlotte said, coming over to join her sister, "Mrs. Chambers is Chris's mom."  
"Really?" Andy asked in wonder, staring at Chris, who had to laugh.  
"Really."  
"Can we eat?" Andy asked, tugging at Chris's ear and giggling.  
"Of course."  
  
Mrs. Chambers left that day at exactly 5:15, as she'd said. The very first thing Chris did was call Gordie up and tell him to come over.  
"Who's coming over?" Charlotte asked, from her perch in the corner of the living room.  
"My best friend, Gordie. Charlotte, do you want to come over and sit closer?"  
"No, I'm okay."  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'm sure." She smiled at him, and he shrugged.  
"I don't know much about taking care of kids," he said, looking around the room at the three redheads staring at him. "So if I'm doing something wrong, Charlotte and Vanessa, you have to tell me."  
"I will," Vanessa said earnestly. "I promise. I swear."  
"Pinky swear?" Chris asked.  
"What's pinky swear?" Vanessa and Andy asked at the same time, Andy spraying Oreo crumbs all over Chris as she did.  
"What's pinky swear?" Chris repeated, in mock shock. "Are you kids telling me you don't know how to pinky swear?"  
All three girls stared at him blankly.  
"Here. Hold up your pinkies. Andy, that's your thumb." He looked around to make sure they all had it right. "Okay, now cross your hearts." They all did. "Now kiss your pinky and blow on it."  
"This is weird," Andy commented, pinky swearing eight times in a row to no on in particular.  
"It's cool," Charlotte said shyly.  
Chris beamed at her. "Now, Vanessa, you promise to tell me if I do anything wrong?"  
She pinky swore.  
  
End of Chapter 1  
  
Okay, this chapter was a little slow. But with a story like this, you need a little background information, so thanks for sticking with me. Heart! 


	2. Sex Education

Chapter 2  
  
"So these are the kiddies," Gordie said, looking around the room. "What are all of your names?"  
"Vanessa."  
"Charlotte."  
"ANDY!" Andy ran up and jumped into Gordie's arms.  
"Ooof!" Totally unprepared for Andy's sudden weight, Gordie staggered and collapsed onto a couch.  
"Gordie, that was the lamest thing I've ever seen," Chris said. He looked at Charlotte. "Wasn't that lame?"  
She grinned. "Yeah."  
"You know what? Screw you."  
"What's that mean?" Andy asked Chris from the ground.  
"It means. . . um. . . thanks a lot, Gordie. . . "  
"No it doesn't," Charlotte said, confused. Chris, not comprehending the misinterpretation, was trying to figure out what she meant when Gordie said, "Uh, yeah it does. Don't argue with Chris. 'Screw you' does indeed mean 'thank you'."  
Chris raised his eyebrows. "God, Gordie, you're-"  
"I wanna eat," Andy interrupted impatiently.  
"You JUST had a half a box of Oreos," Chris said, staring at the little girl.  
"I want a hammich."  
"A what?"  
"A hammich."  
"What's a hammich?" Chris asked Charlotte, who laughed.  
"She can't say sandwich. She wants a sandwich."  
"Make me one," Gordie demanded.  
"Who the hell said I was making a sandwich?"  
Andy gasped. "You said hell!"  
Chris winced. "Yeah. That's bad. See, I can say that because I'm older. You shouldn't say that."  
"Hell!"  
"Andy, no."  
"Hell!"  
"Andy!" Vanessa interrupted, looking significantly at Chris. "You're not supposed to say that."  
"Hell!"  
"No hammich!" Vanessa raised her eyebrows threateningly.  
Andy looked at Chris sadly. "Will you make me a hammich, Uncle Chrissy? Please?"  
"Uncle Chrissy?" Gordie repeated incredulously.  
Chris chose to ignore Gordie's amazement. "You can't say hell, Andy."  
"Sorry," she murmured, hugging his leg. "Sorry I'm bad."  
"It's okay," he replied awkwardly. "What do you like on your hammich?"  
"Cheese."  
"That's it?"  
"Yeah."  
"Do you like grilled cheese or cold cheese?"  
"Do you have cooked cheese?" Andy asked hopefully.  
Chris smiled. "Yeah, we've got cooked cheese." He turned to head into the kitchen and Andy waddled after him.  
"So," Gordie said, looking at the two older girls, "what do you like to do?"  
"Play the piano," Charlotte answered quietly.  
"I like to watch TV," Vanessa put in.  
"Me too," Charlotte agreed, looking at her sister.  
"Do you like to play cards?" Gordie asked.  
"Yeah," Charlotte answered. She seemed to be gaining confidence the more she talked. "I like to play old maid."  
"Ever played poker?"  
Charlotte and Vanessa both looked at him like he was crazy. "We're not allowed to play poker," Vanessa explained.  
"Why not?" Gordie asked curiously.  
"Mamma says no," Charlotte answered, as if that was the crusher of any argument Gordie could possibly have.  
"Daddy plays poker," Vanessa told Gordie.  
"Is he any good?"  
"I dunno. Whenever he plays, he gets really drunk and mean."  
Gordie decided that maybe from then on, he should just be quiet.  
"Lets go see what Chris and Andy are doing," Charlotte suggested after a little while.  
"Yeah," Gordie agreed, grateful to her for breaking the silence. They headed across the living room, down the hallway, and into the kitchen, just in time to see Chris reach for a plate and slide a sandwich onto it.  
"Here," he said, gesturing for Andy to follow him to the table.  
"Hammich!" she exclaimed, and put her arms around his leg and kissed his knee.  
Chris looked up to see Gordie, Charlotte, and Vanessa in the doorway and blushed a deep red.  
"Hey," he said to Gordie, who snickered.  
"Hey, Uncle Chrissy," he replied, and Chris had to remind himself of the "Hell!" incident to keep from socking him.  
"Here you go," he said, lifting Andy up to the chair and setting the sandwich in front of her.  
"Screw you," she said cheerfully.  
"Excuse me?" Chris demanded.  
"Screw you!" Andy giggled and bit into her sandwich.  
"This is your fault," Chris hissed to Gordie, who just stood in the background laughing. "I can't BELIEVE you taught her that. I HATE you."  
"Hey, if you don't like what I've done to her, I advise steering clear of Teddy."  
"Who's Teddy?" Charlotte asked curiously.  
"A friend of mine. One that I am seriously considering not letting you meet."  
"Why?"  
"Charlotte, there are people in this world that you don't meet unless God hates you," Gordie explained.  
"Why, what makes Teddy so bad?"  
"You know how Chris taught Andy to say "hell" and I taught her that 'screw you' means 'thank you'?"  
"Yes. . . "  
"Teddy would end up teaching her something like "Fuck the revolution, go home, and kill your mother'."  
Charlotte's eyes widened. "Really?"  
"Yeah."  
"Can I ask a question?" Vanessa asked, seeming a little quieter than normal.  
"Shoot," Gordie said, nodding.  
"Does he smoke crack? What is crack?"  
"Crack is a drug, and Teddy does not, to my knowledge, smoke it."  
Charlotte nodded.  
"Why do you ask?"  
"Everyone in my school talks about stuff like that, and I never know what it means," Vanessa explained.  
"Well, go ahead, ask me anything," Gordie said, leaning back. "I know everything, you know."  
"How do you make a baby?" Andy piped up through a mouthful of grilled cheese.  
"Uh. . . ask Chris."  
"Uncle Chrissy? How do people make babies?"  
Chris shifted in his seat. "Well, when you get older, two people love each other very much. . . "  
"Yeah, I know that part," Andy interrupted, frowning. "But what happens next?"  
"Well. . . " Chris paused, debating with himself on how to phrase the next part. He took a breath. "Have you ever heard of sex?"  
Andy gasped and her jaw dropped, making the bite of sandwich fall out. "Yes!"  
"What do you know about it?"  
"Mommy says it has to do with people sleeping in the same bed. Can you have a baby if you snore?"  
Chris laughed. "I don't know about that."  
"Have you ever had a baby, Uncle Chrissy?"  
Gordie burst into laughter and fell off his chair.  
"Um, no," Chris replied, blushing. "Only girls have babies."  
"Oh." Andy nodded in understanding. "What's sex?"  
"It's how you make a baby."  
"Ohhhhh." Andy nodded in grown-up understanding. "Everything is so clear to me now."  
Chris smiled. "I'm glad."  
Vanessa shook her head. "Andy, you're so weird," she admonished, looking at her sister.  
"Well at least I know what sex is!"  
"That's a life skill, right there," Charlotte muttered.  
"Uncle Chrissy, can I have some milk?"  
"Yeah," Chris said, getting up.  
"Wait! Don't leave! You told me about sex! Stay here! Make HIM get it!" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie.  
Gordie looked at her. "I don't want to get up. Besides, I could tell you a lot more about sex than you know now."  
Andy's eyes widened. "Really?"  
"No," Chris said immediately. "No no no. I'm getting up to get milk." He got up and poured a glass of milk. "Andy, you know enough about sex to tide you over about ten years."  
"Thank you," she said, slurping some milk. "Can I call my mom?"  
"Why?"  
"Because she doesn't know anything about sex either. I want to tell her."  
Gordie laughed again.  
"I think we should wait to tell her," Chris replied slowly. "She might be busy."  
"Oh yeah. Gosh, Chris, you're so smart."  
Vanessa, Charlotte, and Gordie all laughed. "Yeah, Chris," Gordie added. "You're brilliant."  
"Gordie, screw off."  
"SCREW YOU!"  
"Andy!"  
"Sorry."  
"I want to meet Teddy," Vanessa said after a few minutes.  
"No, no, you really don't," Chris replied, looking at her.  
"Yes I DO!"  
"Why? What has Gordie told you about him?"  
"He doesn't smoke crack."  
"Um, ok. . . "  
"He sounds cool."  
Chris snorted. "Teddy's cool like an Eskimo in Mexico."  
Charlotte laughed. "I know a couple people like that."  
"I really want to meet him," Vanessa continued. "Please, invite him over."  
Chris sighed and motioned for Gordie to get him the phone. Gordie took the receiver off the hook and handed it to his friend.  
"I can't believe I'm meeting someone who actually wants to meet Teddy," Gordie said, shaking his head in amazement as Chris made the phone call.  
"He can't be that bad," Charlotte said reasonably. "You guys like him, right?"  
"Well, yeah, WE like him," Gordie agreed, "but then again, we aren't eleven, eight, and three year old girls."  
"Really?" Charlotte asked.  
"Shut up."  
"Okay, he's coming over," Chris said, and hung up the phone. "I'd like you all to keep in mind that this wasn't my idea."  
"You're still gonna be dead, though," Gordie snickered.  
Fifteen minutes and one game of Old Maid later, there was a knock at the door.  
Chris sighed heavily. "I'll get that," he said, and dragged himself over to the door.  
"Hey!" came a booming voice from the doorway. "There's this hot new girl moving in above the drugstore. Fucking A! Talk about your jugs!"  
Andy came up behind Chris and hugged his knee tightly. She tugged on his shirt hem to get him to look down at her. "What's a fucking A?"  
  
End of Chapter 2 


	3. Teddy the Poker Instructor

Chapter 3  
  
"Wow," Teddy commented, rummaging around Chris's kitchen, looking for food ("I want it!" "No, Andy, no. . . "). "I can't believe Chris Chambers is watching three little kids."  
  
"And why is that?" Charlotte asked, one hand on her hip. "We're GOOD kids!"  
  
"Well," Teddy said slowly, "you're not exactly the type of female company Chris normally keeps."  
  
"Why, what sort of company is that?" Charlotte looked genuinely curious.  
  
"The sexy kind," Teddy answered bluntly.  
  
"SEX!" Andy screamed.  
  
"Yes, sex," Teddy affirmed. Then he looked at the tiny little redhead. "How do you know about sex?"  
  
"Chris."  
  
"Chris? He's been teaching you about sex?"  
  
"Yep," she responded brightly. "He's so smart. He knows everything."  
  
"Yeah, Chris WOULD be the one to give you your first sex talk."  
  
Andy dropped her voice conspiratorially. "Did you know he's never had a baby?"  
  
Teddy raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Really?"  
  
"Really," Andy assured him, her eyes wide.  
  
"Andy, just how old ARE you?"  
  
"Ummm . . . "  
  
"Three," Charlotte and Vanessa provided in unison from across the kitchen.  
  
"Three," Andy informed Teddy.  
  
"Wow, that's old," Teddy said, slinging an arm around the toddler.  
  
"I know," she agreed proudly. "I can drive soon."  
  
Teddy laughed. "You sure about that?"  
  
"Vroom!"  
  
"Andy, you're freaking me out," Chris commented from the other side of the kitchen, where he was making some dinner for the older girls.  
  
"Vroom!"  
  
"She does this a lot," Charlotte said, giggling. "Can I have a bit more mustard on mine?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Andy looked over at the word "mustard" to see that Chris was fixing hot dogs for her sisters. "Uncle Chrissy!" she shrieked. "I want a hot dog!"  
  
Chris stared at her wearily. "Are you like some sort of bottomless pit?"  
  
"No! Want hot dog!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We don't HAVE any more."  
  
"Want hot dog!"  
  
"Andy, no," Chris repeated, running a hand through his hair and wondering how in the world he was going to restrain this child.  
  
"Do THEY have hot dogs?" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie and Teddy.  
  
"Uh, at my HOUSE," Teddy answered uncertainly.  
  
"HE HAS HOT DOGS!"  
  
"No he doesn't!" Chris cried worriedly. "He was LYING! Weren't you, Teddy?"  
  
"Um, yes."  
  
"Bad! Bad Teddy! Hell!"  
  
Chris eyed her, deciding that for the time being, her use of the word was justified. "Yes," he said, slowly and cautiously, "Teddy WILL probably go to hell. Unless he says sorry for lying. Right, Gordie?"  
  
"Right," Gordie agreed merrily, thoroughly enjoying this entire conversation.  
  
"Hot dog!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Is she always hungry?" Chris asked Charlotte aside, when Andy and Vanessa had gone to play cards with Teddy and Gordie.  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
"Well, God! How does your mom deal with it?"  
  
"See that gut?"  
  
Chris laughed. "She's not THAT heavy."  
  
"Chris, she eats her body weight every day."  
  
Chris's eyes widened in alarm. "Are you serious?"  
  
"No. But she's close."  
  
"Hey!" Teddy cried. "You can't DO that! Tell her she can't DO that!"  
  
"Why?" Vanessa demanded.  
  
"Because it's not allowed!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know! You just can't!"  
  
"Andy doesn't know how to play poker! What she did was a perfectly legal and brilliant way to start winning!"  
  
"It isn't allowed! I'm not going to play!" Teddy insisted, but he looked like he was going to start laughing any second now.  
  
"What did you do?" Chris asked Andy, wondering what this little three year old could have done this time.  
  
"She ate my royal flush!"  
  
Chris laughed.  
  
"It isn't funny!" Teddy cried, laughing in spite of himself.  
  
"I've never seen anyone eat like that," Gordie said in amazement, snickering.  
  
"Andy, I can't believe you did that," Vanessa said, looking down at her sister and tickling her. "Are you really that hungry?"  
  
Andy shrieked with laughter. "Yeah!"  
  
Chris sighed. "Kid, you're going to have to get a grip on this whole eating thing. We're going shopping tomorrow. You can get whatever you want. What's your favorite food?"  
  
"Cheese!"  
  
"Andy, how many meals are there in a day?"  
  
"Breakfast. Breakfast snack. Lunch Snack. Lunch. Lunch snack. Dinner snack. Dinner. Bed snack."  
  
Teddy laughed incredulously. "Chris, do you HAVE that much food?"  
  
"Probably not."  
  
"Andy, do you seriously eat that much every day?"  
  
"Whenever possible," Charlotte said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"What do you two like to eat?" Chris asked, looking around at Vanessa and Charlotte.  
  
"Doesn't matter," Vanessa said, shrugging. "Charlotte can't have milk, though." Chris saw Charlotte elbow her sister.  
  
"Hey!" he said to the oldest girl. "What was that all about?"  
  
"I didn't want you to feel like you had to make special stuff for me," Charlotte said softly.  
  
"Well, what if I'd given you like a milkshake?"  
  
"It makes her throw up," Vanessa explained.  
  
"Well, then we DO have to make special stuff for you," Gordie said, confused.  
  
"There's nothing wrong with that," Chris said slowly. "Charlotte, why wouldn't you tell me something like that?"  
  
"Mom thinks it's stupid," Charlotte said slowly. "I'm not weak," she said quietly, looking up at Chris. "You can't think that, because I'm not."  
  
"I know," Chris replied. "I didn't think you were weak at all."  
  
"Mom hates Charlotte!" Andy piped up brightly. Vanessa elbowed her swiftly. "She does not."  
  
"Yuh huh!"  
  
"Andy, SHUT UP," Vanessa hissed.  
  
A long, awkward silence followed, in which Chris was struggling to think of something to say that wasn't incredibly stupid. Finally, Andy broke it.  
  
"I'm tired."  
  
"Okay," Chris said. "Come on, we'll get you to bed."  
  
"I want him to tuck me in," Andy commanded, pointing at Gordie. "And you."  
  
Gordie exchanged a look with Chris. "Uh. . ."  
  
"Come on, Gordie," Chris prodded. "Don't be mean!"  
  
"I'm not mean! I'm just. . ."  
  
"You're mean," Teddy nodded. "The kid wants you to tuck her in, and all you can do is stand there. How does it feel, knowing that you're scarring this child with every breath you take?"  
  
"Uh. . ."  
  
"Come on, Gordie," Chris said, picking up Andy and heading up the stairs. Gordie, looking slightly confused, followed.  
  
"You'll sleep here," Chris said, opening the door to his bedroom. "One of you can have my bed, and the others can have the cots. Which one would you like?"  
  
"Is your bed comfy?" Andy asked.  
  
"Uh, I think so. . ."  
  
"Does it smell bad?" she asked, nose wrinkled.  
  
"No, not really. . ."  
  
"My bed has Chicken in a Biskit in it."  
  
Gordie snorted. "That's wonderful."  
  
"Does your bed have Chicken in a Biskit?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Uncle Chrissy!"  
  
"You sound shocked."  
  
"Can we buy some at the store tomorrow?" she implored. "I want the bed."  
  
"Ok," he agreed.  
  
"I can't get on it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm not big enough."  
  
He watched the little girl struggle valiantly for the better part of ten minutes to climb the mountain that was his bed before he finally lifted her up.  
  
"Thank you," she murmured, burrowing under his blankets and snuggling into his pillow.  
  
"Good night, Andy," he said quietly.  
  
"Yeah, good night," Gordie added.  
  
"Don't you two do anything right?" Andy demanded impatiently.  
  
"Uh. . ."  
  
"Come here," she directed. Both of them inched closer.  
  
"Night night," she cooed, wrapping her arms around Chris's neck and kissing him. "Sweet dreams." She did the same thing to Gordie. "That's how you tuck someone in."  
  
"Wow," Gordie said to Chris, exiting the room a minute later. "She's so cute!"  
  
"Yeah, that was probably more action than you've had all year, huh?"  
  
"Shut up, little man!" Gordie said, shutting the door.  
  
"HELL!"  
  
Chris sighed. "Andy, GO TO SLEEP!"  
  
End of Chapter 3 


	4. Mrs Tessio Gets The Wrong Idea

This came out kind of long-ish and weird-ish. I dunno. . .  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Can I push the cart?" Andy asked, upon entering Castle Rock's one grocery store.  
  
"Sure," Chris said, grinning. He lifted her up and set her in the crook of his arm so that she could reach the cart, and together they pushed their way over to the deli.  
  
"Vroom!" Andy cried, delighted, and ran with the cart over to the deli.  
  
"What kinds of meat do you guys like?" Chris asked. "They've got everything here."  
  
"Cheese!" Andy shrieked joyously, and began to jump up and down.  
  
"Yes, Andy, they have cheese, too."  
  
"Let's get salami," Vanessa suggested.  
  
"And ham."  
  
"HAM!" Andy screeched. Mrs. Andrews, the attendant behind the counter, came over to look at them. "Can I have ham?" Andy asked her.  
  
"Of course," Mrs. Andrews replied smiling. "Hello, Chris," she added, catching sight of him. "How much ham would you like?"  
  
"Half a pound, please," he said politely. Obligingly, she weighed the meat, sealed it up, and handed the package to him.  
  
"Ham!"  
  
"Yes, Andy, ham."  
  
"Who are the little ones?" Mrs. Andrews asked, taking her gloves off to walk around the counter and look closer at the girls.  
  
"They're my cousins," Chris explained. "They're here for a month. This is Charlotte, Vanessa, and Andy."  
  
"Pleased to meet you," Mrs. Andrews said kindly, patting Charlotte on the head. "They're so cute, Christopher."  
  
Chris smiled. "Aren't they?"  
  
"I'll give you this half pound free," Mrs. Andrews offered, "if you promise to come and visit with me tomorrow. Bring the girls."  
  
Chris grinned. "No problem, Mrs. A."  
  
Mrs. Andrews smiled and scrawled something on the package in marker. "Have a good day, Chris," she called as they headed over to the canned goods.  
  
"What kind of vegetables do you like?" Chris asked, picking up a few cans to examine them. Vanessa made a face and stuck her tongue out.  
  
"Veggies. Blech."  
  
Chris laughed. "You have to have veggies, Vana."  
  
"You did NOT just call me Vana."  
  
"So what if I did?" Chris asked. "Do you have something against the name Vana?"  
  
Vanessa smiled. "No. You can call me Vana. . . I guess."  
  
"Good. Vanessa's too long a name to yell if you do something awful like flood the bathroom or something."  
  
"I wouldn't flood the bathroom."  
  
"You might."  
  
"I wouldn't. I'm too bathroomly skilled."  
  
"Oh. I see." He turned to Charlotte. "And what about you? You need a nickname."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Same reason Vana does."  
  
"I guess you're right; I'm capable of flooding a bathroom."  
  
"Not as skilled as your sister, eh?"  
  
"Not with toilets."  
  
"Don't worry," Chris stage-whispered to Charlotte, "it takes a really weird kind of eight-year old to be skilled with toilets." Charlotte giggled.  
  
"CORN!" Andy screamed all of a sudden.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I want CORN!"  
  
"So you like veggies?"  
  
"No. Corn."  
  
"Corn IS a veggie."  
  
Chris stopped the cart and set Andy down on the floor. "Okay," he said to her, "pick out the kind of corn you like best."  
  
Andy carefully studied all the types of corn, finally settling on one with a blue can. "Blue!" she giggled, holding out the can to him.  
  
"Good job!" he said approvingly.  
  
"Blue!" Andy said again.  
  
"What color is this?" Chris asked, holding up another can.  
  
"Red!"  
  
"Right!" He grinned and grabbed her, tickling her stomach. She shrieked with laughter. "You're wound up today, Andy!"  
  
"Green!" Andy exclaimed, holding up a can of beans.  
  
Charlotte wrinkled her nose. "Eew. Chris, do we have to eat beans?"  
  
"God, no," Chris said, rolling his eyes. Taking the can from Andy, he set it back on the shelf. "Actually," he continued, rounding the corner, "I was thinking we'd live on something more along the lines of this." He held up a huge box of Twinkies.  
  
"Yeah!" Vanessa and Charlotte said together, and grinned at each other.  
  
Chris smiled. "Okay, what's everyone's favorite kind of cookie?"  
  
"Chocolate chip!" Charlotte exclaimed. Her sisters echoed her, equally excited.  
  
"And your favorite kind of cake?"  
  
Vanessa folded her arms. "I don't like cake," she said deliberately. "I like the frosting."  
  
Chris shrugged. "Okay then. We'll get frosting."  
  
Charlotte and Vanessa exchanged looks again, unable to believe how lucky they'd gotten.  
  
Forty five minutes later found Chris and the girls at the checkout line, their cart loaded with more sugary things than they'd be able to eat in a week.  
  
"Nice," the cashier said, looking at their purchases. His name was Tad; Chris knew him somewhat from around school. "Home alone, huh, Chambers?"  
  
"Home alone with Mom's wallet," he returned, and Tad grinned.  
  
"Wish I could get that lucky," he said wistfully, bagging the purchases.  
  
"SEX!" Andy piped up.  
  
Chris blushed. "Andy. . ."  
  
"Did you teach her to say sex?" Tad asked, laughing.  
  
"Not. . . not intentionally," Chris defended weakly. "She ASKED, and Gordie and Teddy were there, and I kinda had to. . ."  
  
"God," Ted said, shaking his head. "Your total comes to 48.37."  
  
Chris dug through the wallet and pulled out forty dollars. He handed them to Tad, saying, "Here. Gosh, I didn't realize shopping was so EXPENSIVE."  
  
"Damn straight," Tad said, putting the money in the cash register. "It's the only grocery store for about thirty miles, though, so we can get away with jacking up prices sky high and no one complains."  
  
Chris nodded and took the bags off the counter. "Thanks, Tad," he said over his shoulder as he switched all the bags to his right hand and took Andy's hand in his left.  
  
"Castle Rock is so small," Charlotte commented, coming out of the store. "You walk everywhere. In Seacrest, everyone drives everywhere. Here, not even half the people have CARS."  
  
"Yeah, not many people live here," Chris agreed. "It's nice, though."  
  
"Damn straight!" Andy agreed.  
  
"Andy!" Chris said, looking down in shock.  
  
"HE said it!" Andy cried, pointing to the store.  
  
"Damn straight is BAD!"  
  
"Like hell!"  
  
"EXACTLY like hell."  
  
"How come some words are bad and some aren't?"  
  
"I don't know," Chris answered. "Don't say it, though."  
  
"Can I say it if I don't say it around Momma?"  
  
Chris sighed. "Sure."  
  
Charlotte rolled her eyes. "You really don't know anything about taking care of kids, do you?"  
  
Chris laughed. "Who gave you the right to tell me I suck with kids?"  
  
"Eeeew," Charlotte and Vanessa said together.  
  
Chris's jaw dropped. "You're not old enough to take that the wrong way! You didn't even know what crack was!"  
  
"We're fast learners," Charlotte said seriously.  
  
Chris opened his mouth to say something, decided there was no real reprimand to that, and closed it again.  
  
"Hey!" came a voice from somewhere behind them. "Chris! Stop!"  
  
Chris and the girls turned around to see Vern waving at them and running towards them, puffing.  
  
"Hey, Vern," Chris said, when Vern had reached them.  
  
"Hey," Vern replied, trying to catch his breath. "These the kids?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Hi," Andy offered shyly. "I'm Andy. I'm three."  
  
"Hi," Vern said, smiling. "I'm Vern. I'm sixteen."  
  
"Hi Vern."  
  
Vern waved to her and then turned. "What are your names?"  
  
"I'm Charlotte."  
  
"I'm Vanessa."  
  
"Going by Vana," Chris added with a wink. Vanessa rolled her eyes.  
  
"Vana?" Vern questioned, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes, Vana," Chris defended. "What the hell is wrong with the name Vana? No one likes it!"  
  
"I like it," Andy reassured him. "Good name, Uncle Chrissy."  
  
Vern snorted. "Uncle Chrissy?"  
  
"Got a problem with that?"  
  
"Of course not," Vern said, laughing. "So, grocery shopping with Chris. What'd you buy?"  
  
"Lots of frosting," Vanessa-Vana replied enthusiastically, licking her lips.  
  
"Sounds good," Vern replied skeptically. "Is that it?" he added to Chris.  
  
"No. . . but everything else is in the same vein," Chris said weakly.  
  
Vern stared.  
  
"Is it so wrong?" Chris demanded. "I mean, they're little kids! They run around a lot! Is a week of sweets going to kill them?"  
  
"No," the girls chorused at once, as Vern exclaimed "YES!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Oh my GOD!" Vern cried. "What in the world were your mom and their mom THINKING when they left you alone with them! Do you know ANYTHING about kids?"  
  
"Yes! No."  
  
Vern rolled his eyes.  
  
"It isn't MY fault!"  
  
Vern rolled his eyes again.  
  
"Stop rolling your eyes or I'll kill you!"  
  
"He will," Andy chirped. "He's strong."  
  
Vern looked down and laughed. "I know," he said.  
  
"Where do you live?" Vanessa-Vana asked.  
  
"Down that road over there," Vern replied, pointing down a nice looking street.  
  
"Can we see his house?" she asked Chris, tugging his sleeve hopefully.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I WANT to."  
  
Chris sighed. "Okay."  
  
And so it came to be that the five of them were upstairs in Vern's bedroom, with Andy and Vern locked in a battle of Monopoly.  
  
"Yay! I win!" Andy shrieked. Vern grinned and shook his head.  
  
"Vern, do you have anything to drink?" Vanessa asked. "I'm thirsty."  
  
"There's milk in here," Chris said, pulling out a gallon of juice.  
  
"There's no cups, though," Vanessa protested.  
  
"Cups are overrated. We don't need them."  
  
"What?" She was looking very confused.  
  
"Here, I'll open it up, and I'll hold it so you can drink out of it."  
  
Vanessa looked at him like he was crazy before nodding. Chris unscrewed the cap slowly, wondering how he was going to pull this off. "Okay," he said finally, "put your mouth here." He pointed to the lip of the jug. "Okay, I'll tip it up like this," he said, doing so, "and you drink and then flail your arms like an ostrich when you're done."  
  
She took a few gulps and then flailed. "Ostriches don't have arms," she informed him when she was done after wiping her mouth. "They have WINGS."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Just then a knock came at the door. "VERN!" screeched a voice that Chris recognized to be Mrs. Tessio, "you BETTER not have a girl in there."  
  
"I have, uh, three girls in here as a matter of fact."  
  
"YOU'D BETTER BE KIDDING!"  
  
"Actually, I'm not."  
  
The door flung open- Chris was actually surprised that Mrs. Tessio hadn't crashed it down with the force she'd used. "WHAT did your father and I tell you about- oh, oh my. . . I. . . VERN, YOU CHILD MOLESTER!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"YOU LEAVE THESE GIRLS ALONE!"  
  
"I'm not. . . it's Chris, he. . ."  
  
"Christopher Chambers, I am APPALLED!"  
  
"I'm not molesting them!"  
  
"DON'T LIE TO ME!"  
  
"I'm not lying! They're my COUSINS!"  
  
"AAH! Lord save me! Do you know what that's CALLED? It's INCEST!"  
  
"No it's not! I'm babysitting for the week!"  
  
Mrs. Tessio looked at him suspiciously before pointing at some milk on Vanessa's pant leg. "WHAT is that?"  
  
"What's it look like to you, mom?" Vern asked, just to see how riled she would get.  
  
"You're not. . . oh my God, you are. . . I can't BELIEVE you two. . . WHAT THE HELL!"  
  
"Hell!"  
  
"Not the time, Andy," Chris muttered, knowing that if she did that again, he'd start laughing and not be able to stop.  
  
"It's MILK, mom," Vern interrupted her, laughing. "God. What did you think it was?"  
  
She blushed. "Nothing," she said quietly. "So you're not. . ."  
  
"NO."  
  
"Good." She smiled at the girls. "So are you. . . are you the cousins Vern was talking about?"  
  
Charlotte nodded. "I'm Charlotte. This is Vanessa. And this is Andrea."  
  
"Nice to meet you," Mrs. Tessio said wearily. "Well, I'll leave you all alone now. . ."  
  
"My mom's weird," Vern muttered, shaking his head.  
  
"Yeah," Chris agreed, his sides aching from all the laughter he'd been holding in. "I can't believe that just happened."  
  
"I don't get it," Charlotte said thoughtfully. "What did she think. . . it was just MILK. . ."  
  
"Remember how I told you that Andy knew enough about sex to tide her over for ten years?"  
  
"Yeah. . ."  
  
"You do, too."  
  
"Ohhh. . . EEW!"  
  
End of Chapter 4  
  
You know, this story's really fun to write. . . let me know if it's as much fun to read! (I branched off, noting that most of the fics in Stand By Me were romances, but last night the thought hit me that maybe that's because that's what people like to READ. . . I dunno. Whatever.)  
  
Heart! 


	5. Registration

Yeah, it's been forever since I updated. Good news, though- the updates should be a lot more regular now. My mom's computer's fixed, so you'll be getting chapters as I write them. Yay! Heart!  
  
Chapter 5  
They got home from Vern's house that night at about nine. Chris praised summertime- he'd already decided that he didn't want to be outside walking around with these kids in the dark.  
"I'm tired," Andy declared, rubbing her eyes.  
"Me too," Vanessa added.  
"Well, we're going home," Chris said, putting an arm around Vanessa. "You can sleep there."  
"Good. Can I have the bed tonight?"  
"NO!" Andy shrieked. "ME!"  
"Andy, we have to take turns," Chris said, trying to figure out how he was going to get through this conversation without hating himself for sounding like a gay-ass teacher.  
"NO TURNS!"  
"I want the bed, fathead," Vanessa said. "Please?" she added as sort of an afterthought.  
"NO!"  
"I hate you!"  
"I hate you too! Bed!"  
"Hey, hey, hey," Chris said sternly. "You don't hate each other."  
"I want the bed," Vanessa said sulkily.  
"Andy, can Vanessa please have the bed?" Chris asked very seriously.  
Andy sighed. "Fine," she finally said, "if she must."  
Chris tried not to laugh.  
"Thank you," Vanessa said sweetly, and stopped walking to hug her sister.  
"Welcome," Andy replied, grinning.  
"Awww."  
"Shut up, Chris."   
The next day at around eleven, Chris was stirring a pot of macaroni and cheese while Vanessa and Charlotte looked at all the mementos and report cards on the fridge. ("What's a D mean?" "It means the teacher was a creatively challenged, neurotic bitch." "Oh.") Andy was upstairs getting dressed. "What day is it?" Charlotte asked, looking at Chris's calendar.  
"Uh. . . Tuesday. Why?"  
"It says here 'Registration, nine to eleven thirty'."  
"WHAT?"  
"Yeah."  
"Are you fucking SERIOUS?"  
"Uh. . . yes. . ."  
"SHIT! Andy! Get down here!"  
"I'm not dressed," Andy whined, trudging downstairs with only a pair of pants on.  
"Come on," Chris cried, sprinting up the stairs, barely stopping long enough to scoop her up and carry her to his room.  
"You like this shirt?" he asked hurriedly, pulling random clothes out of her suitcase.  
"No."  
"Why?"  
"Because."  
"You like this one?" he asked, holding up another one.  
"No."  
"DAMMIT, ANDY, FIND A SHIRT YOU LIKE AND WEAR IT!"  
"Why?"  
"We have to get out of here," he replied, speaking so fast he wasn't sure she was understanding him. "I'm very late for something."  
"What are you late for?"  
"Get your butt dressed and I'll tell you!"  
She pulled a purple shirt over her head. "Will you brush my hair for me?"  
"Can't you do it?"  
"Not big enough."  
Chris sighed and got a hairbrush from his mother's room after deciding that maybe his comb wouldn't be enough artillery for her thick curls.  
"Thanks," she said, looking in his mirror and wiping her mouth. "What are we late for?"  
"I was supposed to register for school this morning," he said, tying her hair back with a rubber band the way he'd seen his mother do.  
"What's register?"  
"It means. . . it means to tell them you're coming that year."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah," he muttered and picked her up, racing down the stairs.  
"Chris?" Andy asked, when they'd left the house and were halfway down the street, "I don't have shoes."  
"Are you serious?"  
Vanessa and Charlotte looked down and laughed. "This is not funny," he said, starting to get a headache. "Andy, can you walk okay in just socks?" he asked, looking down at the dirt road.  
"Yeah."  
"Good." He was worried about her; little kids had sensitive feet, he guessed. "It's only a little further to the school."  
"You go to high school, right?" Charlotte asked.  
"Yeah," he replied. The stress he'd felt ten minutes ago was beginning to recede. "Good old Castle Rock High."  
"Are the teachers nice?"  
"Yeah, they're okay."  
"Except for the creatively challenged, neurotic bitch, right?" Vanessa queried.  
"Right."  
As they neared the school, Andy, Vanessa, and Charlotte all chattered on endlessly, and Chris found himself not minding at all. He couldn't believe how attached he'd become- especially to Andy- in only a few days.  
"Here we are."  
"This is your high school?" Charlotte asked, dumbfounded.  
"Yup."  
"It's like the size of my school. I'm in fifth grade."  
"Seriously," Vanessa added. "You know, your town's a shrimp town."  
"Thanks," Chris said, laughing. "Come on."  
They followed the signs to a desk underneath a huge banner proclaiming "Register Here", and Chris found Mr. Reed, his English teacher, sitting there reading a book. It looked as if no one had come up to register in a while- which made sense, Chris thought, checking his watch, as there were technically only two minutes left.  
"Chambers," Mr. Reed acknowledged, eyeing the girls critically. "Busy summer? I always knew you were a ladies man. . . this is ridiculous."  
"They're my cousins," Chris said, smiling, and let go of Andy's hand to come up to the table and take a pen.  
"Sign here," Mr. Reed directed, pointing him towards a form. "This is your book deposit."  
"Shit," Chris muttered, "I'd totally forgotten about that."  
"Language, Chambers. How many words have these children learned because of you?"  
"Hell! Dammit! Shit! HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL-"  
"Andy, that's enough," Chris whispered, and nudged her.  
"Nice, Chambers."  
"Thank you. How much do I owe you?"  
Mr. Reed's eyes scanned the book deposit form. "Mmm. . . thirty dollars."  
Chris sighed and handed over three ten dollar bills.  
"Thank you much," the English teacher said, filing the form into a drawer and the money into a lockbox. "Cute kids, Chambers."  
"Thanks."  
"Guess what?" Andy asked, coming around the desk to tap Mr. Reed on the shoulder. He turned around and looked surprisingly gentle as he replied, "What?"  
"My butt is broken. . . it has a crack in it. . ."  
Mr. Reed threw his head back and laughed the first real laugh he'd had in a long time, while Chris just blushed a bright red, put his head in his hands, and muttered "Oh my GOD."  
Wiping his eyes, Mr. Reed shook his head and pointed down the hall. "Mrs. Matthews is in room 18. She'll give you your schedule."  
"Thanks again, sir," Chris called over his shoulder as he took Andy's hand and put an arm around Charlotte.  
"No problem."  
"The ostrich clan descends down the hallway into the arms of certain doom, completely unafraid," Vanessa intoned, flapping her arms wildly.  
"Vanessa, what are you smoking?"  
"Nothing! I don't even know HOW to smoke!"  
"Turn here," Chris directed.  
"Hello, Christopher," said a middle-aged looking woman with blonde hair, brown eyes, and sequined glasses. She pulled him into a hug. "So nice to see you! How's your summer been?"  
"Good, thanks."  
She gasped. "And who are these youngsters?" she asked, peering around to look at all of them.  
"These are my cousins," Chris explained. "Charlotte, Vanessa, and Andy, this is Mrs. Matthews."  
"Oh, they're absolutely ADORABLE," she squealed, going behind her desk. "Look here! I just happen to have some candy and pencils, just waiting for three cute little girls!"  
"Is she the creatively challenged erotic bitch?" Vanessa asked, apparently not comprehending just how loud her voice was.  
"Excuse me?" Mrs. Matthews demanded, wheeling around. "Chris, what. . ."  
"Um. . ." he stammered, unable to think of any reply to that.  
"Well, is she or not?" Vanessa asked impatiently.  
"No, she's. . . not. . ."  
"Christopher, WHAT is she TALKING about?"  
"Uh. . . see, they were looking at my report card, and they saw the D Miss Vanderbilt gave me last term, and I had to tell them SOMETHING. . ."  
"So you told them she was a creatively challenged erotic BITCH?" she repeated incredulously.  
"No!. . . I called her a creatively challenged NEUROTIC bitch! I don't know WHERE she got erotic. . ." "You called her a creatively challenged neurotic bitch?"  
"She IS a creatively challenged neurotic bitch!"  
Mrs. Matthews rolled her eyes. "Here's your schedule, Mr. Chambers," she muttered crisply. "Have a nice day."  
"CANDY!"  
"Andy, shut up," Chris murmured. "We've got candy at home."  
"You WOULD," Mrs. Matthews reprimanded. "Chris, don't you know ANYTHING about kids?"  
"Come on," Chris said in a low tone to the girls.  
"Have a nice day," Mrs. Matthews called impersonally.  
  
"Gordie, I'm the worst babysitter in the world," Chris groaned later that night, when the three girls had gone to bed.  
"Yeah, well, whatever," Gordie muttered, looking through the pantry. "Oh my GOD. Is this Chicken in a Biskit?"  
"I feel awful," Chris continued, ignoring his friend. "I mean, these kids. . . they deserve so much more than I could give them. You know?"  
"Kind of," Gordie replied, coming back to the table with a bowl of pudding. "Chambers, this is the first time in months you've had good food. These kids are staying."  
Chris looked at him. "Man, I am so bad with kids."  
"No you're not. You're a great guy to have around."  
"No! No I'm not! You're not AROUND all the time, Gordie. This morning I almost missed registration and I got so frustrated that I just started swearing up a storm. I gave Andy permission to say "damn straight"."  
"You did WHAT?"  
"I know. I know."  
"It's not that bad, Chris," Gordie said. "These kids are too awesome to be messed up by someone like you."  
Chris grinned. "I think that's the first time that someone's ever called me inferior and it felt good to hear."  
"What the hell. I didn't call you inferior. I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to these kids."  
"Gordie, you're such a jerk when you're high on pudding. Gimme that, I'm cutting you off."  
"Chris." Chris looked up to see Gordie staring at him, dead serious. "I wasn't kidding at all."  
  
End of Chapter 5 


	6. Trouble At The Big City Mall

I FINALLY updated!  
  
My life's been a nightmare lately. . . my mom recently got really, really sick so between school and taking care of her every day there hasn't been much time for me to write. But she's out of the woods now, and I get to go back to my life as a normal writing dork! Everyone wins!  
  
This is the first thing I've written in quite a long time, so it's pretty off the wall. It's actually at times almost disturbing. . . oh, whatever. Read it.  
  
Heart!!  
  
Chapter 6  
  
"Chris?"  
"Yes?"  
"Can we go shopping?"  
"For WHAT? We just spent like a week in the store!"  
"No, I mean clothes shopping."  
Chris regarded Charlotte for a few seconds. "Why?"  
"You don't honestly expect me to spend a month here in the clothes I brought."  
"What's wrong with them?"  
"Chris. Come on now. I have a Beatles t-shirt. I have a Monkees t- shirt. I have a button up blouse. And I have two pairs of blue jeans." He was noticing that she had this weird way of talking to people- she'd start with a sentence that was just one word: the person's name. It made her sound about ten years older than she was.  
"I don't get it. What's wrong with that?"  
"Are you serious?"  
"Yes! I wear that every day. . . not at the same time, obviously. . . I mean, I rotate, you know, I. . ."  
"Chris. You're babbling."   
"Oh, excuse me, princess," he said, then picked her up and tickled her until she collapsed on the couch a few minutes later.  
"Chris," she started, trying to resume a normal breathing rate, "I. . ." -giggle- "I was. . ." -giggle- "serious."  
Chris sighed, a little out of breath himself, and sprawled out on the couch next to her. "I don't know a thing about shopping."  
"Oh Charlotte!" she mimicked. "I don't have a thing to wear to the dance!" She flicked a wrist. "Whatever shall I do?" She laughed, then snorted. "You're so gay."  
"Why am I gay?"  
"Because you said you "didn't know a thing about shopping". That's gay."  
"How do YOU know what's gay and what's not?"  
"I just do," she responded shortly and impatiently. "Now, can we go shopping or not?"  
"I guess so."  
"Yay!" Charlotte jumped up and clapped her hands. "We'll TEACH you to shop!" she declared. "You'll love it! Oh, this will be so much fun!"  
"And that wasn't gay?"  
"Chris. I'm ALLOWED to act gay. I'm a ten year old girl. You're a sixteen year old boy. They are not allowed to act gay unless they're sucking face with other men."  
"SUCKING FACE?"  
"What?"  
"I don't think I want you hanging out with Teddy anymore."  
  
Unfortunately, that wish was not to be, as Teddy had a car and was someone Chris felt comfortable ordering around. ("Hey. Take me to Greenview." "Fuck off, Chambers.")  
"What the hell you wanna go to Greenview for?" Teddy demanded, upon being asked.  
"To shop, silly!"  
"Wow, you ARE gay."  
"I was KIDDING."  
"No, you were being GAY."  
"I WAS KIDDING."  
"Whatever. Seriously, what do you want to go to Greenview for?"  
"To shop."  
"Oh my God, you WEREN'T kidding. You ARE gay."  
"No! I'm not! I was. . . I wasn't kidding about the shopping part, I. . ."  
"What are you smoking?"  
"I was kidding about the gay voice and the "silly" at the end!"  
"Gay."  
"Teddy, stop being difficult!"  
"What do you want to shop for?"  
"Clothes."  
"GAY!"  
"No! Clothes for the GIRLS!"  
"Oh."  
"Yeah. See?" Chris said, satisfied. "Not gay."  
"Not as gay as previously thought," grumbled Teddy. "Grab the girls and get your ass in the car."  
  
"Your car smells weird," Vanessa commented, as Teddy put out another cigarette.  
"Yeah, I need an air freshener, huh?"  
"Yeah."  
"Only problem is, every time I buy one, I can't seem to get it around the mirror. Tell you what, Vanessa. . . if I buy an air freshener, will you put it around the mirror for me?"  
"Yep."  
"Thanks," he said, flashing her a smile in the rearview mirror, and happily noting that she looked very pleased.  
"No problem, Teddy. Any time you need anything, I'm right here."  
"Thanks." Teddy grinned, shook his head, and looked over at Chris, who was sitting in the front next to him. "I hate kids, you know. But these ones are seriously making me consider my outlook."  
"Wow, could there have been a compliment in there somewhere?" Charlotte asked dryly, rolling her eyes.  
"Hey, cupcake, who's driving the car here, me or you?"  
"You. But I bet I could do a better job."  
"Oh you DO, do you?"  
"Teddy, no," Chris warned anxiously. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking. . ."  
"Stop THINKING, Chris," Teddy muttered, pulling off to the side of the road and opening his door. "Come here, kid."  
Charlotte grinned at her sisters and hopped out of her seat.  
"Sit here." Teddy moved over on the bench-style front seat of his car and positioned her tiny hands on the wheel. "Can you reach the pedals?"  
"Um. . . if I slide down here. . ."  
"Okay, can you SEE now?"  
"No. That's okay, though. I could drive better than you without looking at the road any day of the week."  
"It's not as easy as it looks, kid."  
"I bet it is."  
"Fine, then. Let's put your money where your mouth is. Floor it."  
And Charlotte did. A steady stream of "Oh, my GOD!"s came from Chris's direction for the next five minutes.  
"Ride em, cowboy!" Teddy shrieked, turning the wheel just in time to avoid being mashed by a giant semi. "You GO, girl!"  
"Gay," Chris muttered from inside his hands. "Oh God, I can't look. Where are we?"  
Teddy snorted. "Not Greenview," he muttered, cackling. "As a matter of fact, I just realized we're going in the wrong direction."  
"Are you joking?" Chris asked, peeking timidly through his fingers.  
"No!"  
Chris sighed and hid his eyes behind his hands again. "Turn around."  
"Hell no! We're like an hour and a half away now!"  
"Why? You can't navigate worth your weight in friggen LARD!"  
"My weight IS lard!" Teddy cried, leering at Chris and pinching his stomach.  
"The ROAD, Teddy, the ROAD!" Chris pleaded.  
"What, you don't think I can handle it?" Charlotte asked innocently. "Take your hands down, you big baby."  
"I'm not a baby! I simply lack a death wish, apparently a trait that is unshared by anyone in this damn car!"  
"That would be because your kind is boring," Teddy informed him, putting a hand on the steering wheel and turning onto a ramp.  
"NO! There will BE no freeway driving by a minor in this car!" Chris shrieked. "I swear to God, Charlotte, if you don't hit the brake pedal RIGHT NOW, there will BE no shopping!"  
"Which one's the brake?"  
"The one you're not pushing!"  
Charlotte sighed and slammed on the brakes.  
"AAAAHH!"  
Chris turned in his seat to look behind him at Vanessa and Andy. "Are you two okay?"  
"My brain feels like mashed potatoes. . ." Andy commented. "I hate mashed potatoes. I smell hot dogs."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. . . I think it's coming from my liver, though. Can you eat a hot dog if it's really your liver?"  
"Whaaaaa. . .?"  
"Nothing," Vanessa muttered, cutting her sister off. "Andy's on her way to becoming clinically insane."  
"Come on, kid," Teddy said, reaching across Charlotte to push his door open. "Out you go."  
She climbed out of the car, and Teddy followed her into the backseat and put her seatbelt on for her.  
"Teddy. I am eleven years old and fully capable of putting on my own damn seatbelt."  
"Don't say that."  
"Teddy. You of all people should be praising God that I'm not saying anything WORSE that "damn"."  
"Stupid kid."  
"Stupid guy."  
"Oh. Touche. Ouch. WOUNDED!" Teddy put a hand over his heart and sunk to the ground on the shoulder of the highway. "Charlotte, you've WOUNDED me. OHH! The PAIN. . . the world is going dark. . . my life is flashing before my eyes. . ."  
Charlotte giggled. "Are you dying?"  
"My heart is dying," he replied shakily from the ground. "I can't breathe. . ."  
"Like I believe that for a second."  
"Ack! Ack! Choke! Die! This is me, choking and dying! Ack!" She peered down to watch Teddy convulse on the ground next to the truck and lie still.  
"Teddy. You have no idea how incredibly dirty you're getting."  
"Now, you see," Teddy said, sitting up, "if I were as gay as your cousin over there," he said, pointing to Chris, "I'd be jumping up and brushing myself off. As it is, I RELISH the feeling of dirt against the seat of my pants."  
"Stop being weird," she laughed. "Here. Truce?"  
"Truce." He grabbed her outstretched hand and pulled himself up.  
"Oof. God, Teddy, are you FAT."  
"I TOLD Chris my weight was all lard."  
"I KNEW that, dorkus," Chris called from the front.  
"Sure," Teddy muttered, dusting himself off and climbing into the cab of his truck.  
"Ha! You dusted yourself off! GAY!"  
"Screw off, Chambers."  
  
"Oooh," Vanessa said when they entered the department store. "Look at all the clothes!"  
"Now, we each have around twenty dollars to spend," Chris explained as they walked in. "That's about enough for a pair of pants and two shirts. If you need more, let m know and we'll either get the rest in Castle Rock or we'll come back here in a few days and buy stuff there."  
"Oooh, look." Chris, Teddy, Vanessa, and Andy all turned to see Charlotte fingering a pair of blue jeans admiringly. "Aren't they pretty?"  
"Well, hang onto them, and we'll try them on," Chris said, coming over and putting a hand on her shoulder. "And they are very pretty."  
She grinned at him. "I just know I'll love them," she said, clapping. "And look how cheap!"  
"Eight bucks," he read off the tag, and then eyed the jeans critically. "Boss."  
"Get THESE, Andy," Teddy said, holding a pair of Andy-sized leather pants up to his own legs. "You'll be spiffy in these."  
"You get away from my sister with those pants," Vanessa cried, yanking the pants away. "She will NOT be wearing any leather pants."  
"Want pants!"  
"No, Andy!" Vanessa said sharply, but Teddy grinned.  
"She likes them! Atta girl! You gonna try 'em on?"  
Andy nodded and took the pants from him. "Teddy pants!"  
"Are those your Teddy pants?" Chris asked, coming over to her and scooping her up.  
"Yes. They look like Teddy."  
"They look like Teddy?" Chris asked skeptically, staring at the pants.  
"Yeah. There's the nose," she said, pointing to one leg of the pants, then pointed to the other. "And there's the arm."  
Chris laughed. "Yeah, they do look like Teddy, huh?"  
"Yeah."  
Teddy shook his head.  
"Teddy?" Andy asked, tugging at his glasses from her perch in Chris's arms.  
"Yeah?"  
"I have to go to the bathroom."  
Chris's jaw dropped and he set her down as if he'd never seen her before. Then he looked plaintively at Teddy.  
"What are you staring at me for?" Teddy cried, panicked. "I'M not taking her!"  
"Bathroom," Andy said softly, looking up at Teddy. "I hafta go."  
"No!" Teddy gasped. "Chris, she's YOUR cousin! YOU take her!"  
"Don't want Chris. Teddy."  
"NO!"  
"YES!" Andy screamed, stomping her foot.  
"Teddy, if you take her to the bathroom I'll do all your chores for a fucking MONTH," Chris hissed desperately. "The last thing we need is a. . . situation on our hands."  
"THIS IS A SITUATION!"  
Chris looked around worriedly. "Why don't you have one of your sisters take you, Andy?" he finally asked, in what he obviously thought was a pacifying tone.  
"Teddy! WANT TEDDY!"  
"Oh God," Teddy muttered, rolling his eyes skyward. "Where the hell is the bathroom, anyway?"  
"I dunno," Chris replied anxiously. "But we have to find it. . . she's. . . like. . . dancing. . ."  
"Oh, NO," Teddy muttered. "This is SO bad."  
"Come on," Chris said, scooping Andy up again and positively running through the store, Teddy, Vanessa, and Charlotte running after him.  
"Sir! No running!"  
"Screw you!"  
"You could have ASKED that guy where the bathrooms were, dickhead," Teddy exclaimed, puffing beside Chris. "WHERE is your BRAIN?"  
"Trying to make sure I don't end up covered in Andy-piss," Chris snapped. "If you're so smart, where the hell are the damned bathrooms? This is like illegal, to have bathrooms this poorly marked."  
"I really gotta go!"  
"I KNOW!" Chris cried, looking down at her. "We're FINDING a bathroom!"  
"THERE!" Teddy shrieked. He pointed to the wall at the right of them. A small, handwritten sign advertised "Restrooms".  
"Come on," Chris murmured unnecessarily; Teddy had already taken Andy from him and was now standing, out of breath, in front.  
"What the hell are you waiting for?" Chris demanded. "Go IN!"  
Teddy pointed helplessly at the signs. "I can't go in there," he hissed, pointing at the ladies room. "And I can't take her in there."  
"Pretend she's a boy."  
Teddy pointed at Andy's long red curls and her pink dress. "Chris, whatever the fuck you're smoking must be really, REALLY strong."  
"JUST TAKE HER!"  
"I gotta go!"  
"WE KNOW!" Teddy and Chris yelled in unison.  
"Take her into the men's room," Chris said nervously. "Just do it before she like wets herself."  
"What if she SEES something?"  
"Cover her goddamned eyes!" With that, Chris shoved them both into the men's room.  
"It stinks in here," Andy muttered, holding her nose.  
"Hey! Dude!" called a big, burly, sweaty trucker at one of the urinals. "You can't take her in here!"  
"It's a he," Teddy called back weakly. "She-he. . . likes to. . . likes to dress funny. . ."  
"Gotta GO!"  
"Andy! I know!"  
"Wanna go in there!" Andy shrieked, pointing to a urinal.  
"NO!"  
"HE'S doing it!" she screamed, pointing at the trucker, who looked up angrily.  
"Hey. Buddy. Get your damned kid out of here or tell him to shut up and mind his own business. Got it?"  
"Gotta GO!"  
"Come on!" Teddy hissed sharply, pushing her into one of the stalls. "Go there." She waddled in, slammed the door, and locked it.  
Teddy leaned, relieved, against the stall door, and exhaled a huge breath. After about three minutes, though, he began to get a little worried.  
"Andy, you okay in there?"  
"Can't wipe."  
"What? Ohhh. . . you have GOT to be kidding me."  
"Need help," Andy chirped, coming out of the stall with her pants down.  
"Oh my GOD!" Teddy screamed, shoving her back into the stall. "Andy, STAY THERE. I'm going to get Chris." He poked his head out of the door. "Chris, I need you in here RIGHT NOW."  
Chris followed him warily. "Need help wiping," Andy announced from inside the closed stall.  
"Is she serious?" Chris demanded. "I. . . I can't."  
"You HAVE to."  
"Help me."  
"WHAT?"  
"You heard me. Come on, man, we've seen Lachance pick leeches off his fucking BALLS. This CAN'T be worse."  
Teddy sighed, and, resigned, headed into the stall, followed by Chris.  
"So," Charlotte inquired innocently, leaning against a clothes rack when Teddy, Chris, and Andy emerged ten minutes later, "how did it go?"  
"Kid?"  
"Yes?"  
"Shut the hell up and don't you DARE ever mention this to anyone ever again." End of Chapter 6 


End file.
